Friday Five is doing a series on the emotional journey of separation and divorce. Last week we focused on the initial shock and grief associated with the decision to separate. The importance of tending to one’s basic needs such as sleep, nutrition, and light exercise to help manage the often-intense physical response that comes with a life-changing event can’t be emphasized enough. You are worth taking of!
Today’s Friday Five focuses on the emotional roller coaster that comes with a separation. Clients often report feeling sad, angry, confused, guilty, and fearful, among the other many feelings experienced in the process. This is often the most difficult stage in the separation journey because one’s emotions can be all over the map, and often very intense. Questions such as:
– What will my future look like?
– Will my kids be okay?
– Will I be okay financially?
– Is reconciliation an option?
There’s a relationship history to process (both the good and the bad), as well as the current reality of a physical separation.
What’s important to remember is that feelings are important, but they aren’t facts. They serve as guideposts, alerting us to what is happening to us internally. When feelings arise, notice them, name them, and work to move through them. When working with therapy clients, I often encourage people to name at least three feelings they are experiencing. This can be useful “material” for a better understanding of what is happening internally. For example, it’s easy to focus on the feeling of anger because the intensity of this feeling makes it more obvious than other feelings. However, anger often masks feelings like hurt and sadness. Pay attention to those feelings. They are telling you something important.
Dr. Susan David, a Psychologist from Harvard Medical School, and best-selling author of Emotional Agility remind us that all emotions serve a purpose, and that “negative” emotions are normal (Instagram @susandavid_phd). Ignoring or internalizing emotions doesn’t work.
“Research on emotional suppression shows that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger. Psychologists call this amplification” (Instagram @susandavidphd).
I see this in high-conflict divorces. People avoid their emotions and in so doing become increasingly angry and emotionally trapped. The unfortunate result is blame, shame, hostility, and conflict. The court system is inundated with stuck clients who are seemingly controlled by their strong emotions. There is a better way.
Dr. Susan David’s work is invaluable here. She emphasizes the need to show up to our emotions and be willing to respond to them. We need to go TO them and then go THROUGH them.
Here are 5 Questions to Help You Move to and Through Your Emotions, the first four are from Dr. David, and the fifth is from me:
1. How am I feeling right now?
2. How are my thoughts, emotions or stories impacting me?
3. What is a values-aligned step that I could take at this moment?
4. What are my options for dealing with my current circumstances?
(Instagram @susandavidphd).
5. What do I need so that I can show up as my best self in this separation process?
You might be wondering why dealing with one’s emotions in a separation is important. Here are two reasons:
1. Working through your emotions associated with the separation will help you more successfully negotiate your separation agreement. Collaborative Law professionals often witness how easily strong emotions derail a separation process. Conversations either break down or are not productive when emotions rule the dialogue. You want your prefrontal cortex (the logical, reasoning, thinking part of your brain) to be working optimally. This happens when we understand what triggers us emotionally and we learn how to better process those feelings.
2. Working through your feelings provides you with the opportunity for your own healing and growth. You can’t change your ex, and you are limited regarding the circumstances of your separation that you can change. What you can change is YOU and how you face and work through the emotional layers of the separation. Emotions, if internalized and avoided, will leak out eventually. Yet, when emotions are named, respected, and worked through, they lose their negative intensity and impact. Do the work of processing your emotions so you can be the healthiest version of yourself.
Next steps: If you are going through a separation, where are you emotionally? What steps do you need to take to tend to your feelings?
If you know someone going through a separation, consider sharing this Friday Five with them and encourage them to sign up for the free weekly emails.
Friday Five is not meant to be a substitute for medical advice and care. If you have mental health symptoms that are interfering with your life and wellness please speak to your family doctor and registered mental health therapist. You are worth taking care of!
