So glad you are here. Friday Five is all about being intentional about our mental health. 5 ideas, questions, tools, and resources to encourage you to lean in, care for yourself and reset.

Back in February, Melissa introduced The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and has been sharing about each one on our blog. Today, Mel is taking a deeper dive into another love language: Physical Touch; specifically, sexual intimacy. 

It’s important to acknowledge that talking about sex in a relationship (or at all) may be new for you, and there’s a lot about sex that we may feel uncomfortable, or maybe even embarrassed about. There’s also the potential that talking (or reading) about sex may be triggering for you, in which case we encourage you to stop and do something to take care of yourself. If speaking with a therapist may help, reach out here. 

We also want to acknowledge that not only sex, l but all acts involving physical touch must be done with the consent of all parties involved. Sex is meant to be safe and enjoyable for everybody; it is a two-way street. Never engage in sex without clear consent from your partner(s). To read more about what consent actually looks like, click here.

Unlike what we see in the media, movies and romance novels, healthy, satisfying sex takes a lot of work and a lot of communication. Our conversation today is largely informed by Vanessa and Xander Marin’s work exploring the role of physical intimacy in relationships – as discussed in their book Sex Talks. Vanessa and Xander suggest there are 5 “talks” which may help to transform your love life. 

Acknowledgement. If you’re physically intimate with someone, it’s important to acknowledge it. Many of us grew up with sex as a taboo topic; something to do, but not discuss. But does avoiding the topic help you to have better, more fulfilling sexual intimacy? Probably not. By routinely addressing physical intimacy in a light, positive and non-critical way, couples will be better equipped to bring up trickier or more difficult conversations as they arise. 

Connection. This conversation is all about identifying what you and your partner need in order to feel close to each other. Often, this comes down to emotional connection and physical intimacy, both of which are important parts of healthy, long-term relationships. For many individuals (particularly those who identify as women), engaging in sex without a safe, secure, emotional connection can be really scary, and result in both partners feeling like sex is simply a means to an end. For that reason, we encourage you to prioritize building an emotional connection, and allow your sex life to benefit because of it! 

Desire. Understanding desire helps us to recognize (and communicate) what behaviours do and don’t support your intimacy! Here’s Vanessa and Xander’s advice: 

• Don’t take yourself too seriously – sex is meant to be fun, and incorporating laughter may help ease tensions.
• Help your partner to feel desired by complimenting and encouraging them.
• Respect your partner’s “no” and say “no” respectfully – never guilt someone into having sex or feel guilty for declining sex; at the same time, recognize that initiation is vulnerable, and be curious about your “yes” or “no” and how that reflects the connection you feel in your relationship.

Pleasure. As previously identified, sex is meant to be safe and pleasurable. But pleasure is complex and subjective, so acknowledgement and connection must come first. Vanessa and Xander encourage partners to develop “touch maps” which outline where they like to be touched and how they prefer that touch to feel. Then (and this part can sound a little intimidating), you need to ask for and give feedback to your partner. Vanessa and Xander suggest doing this from a positive perspective – so instead of saying “Not like that” or “That doesn’t feel good”, try, “It feels amazing when you do this” or “I really liked what you did a minute ago.”

NOTE: If you ever experience pain or discomfort during sex, be direct with your partner. It is not necessary to prolong pain because you want to avoid hurting feelings. If you experience pain during sex, speak with your healthcare provider.

Exploration. Have you ever felt stuck in a rut in your sex life? Curiosity and exploration may be part of re-igniting excitement about sex. Vanessa and Xander suggest implementing a “yes, no, maybe” system for new ideas. If both partners are a yes, add it to your list! If one or both is a “maybe”, revisit the idea later on. And if anyone is a “no,” then that goes on both partners’ “no” list. If you do explore something new – debrief it afterwards: How did it feel? What did you enjoy? Would you do it again? Note that getting good at new things takes time and practice, so try not to expect your first time trying something new to go perfectly – debrief it, laugh about it, and if you feel safe and comfortable, try it again another time. 

We hope these ideas help you feel empowered and excited about your physical intimacy. As always, if you believe that speaking with a therapist could help you work through issues related to physical intimacy, please reach out.

Melissa Mote, RP(Q)

Social Media & Administration Coordinator