Last week’s Friday Five focused on being worthy of boundaries. You are worth taking care of! Today we look at how to set boundaries. After all, not setting boundaries, and living life as though we have no limits, comes at a high cost. Our physical and mental health suffers, as do our relationships.
Setting boundaries can be difficult so it’s important to remember that this is about what you need for your own wellness, not about controlling the other person or about changing their behaviour. It’s necessary to start with your own self-reflection (see last week’s Friday Five). Know the boundary you need to put in place before initiating the conversation.
When you are ready to have a conversation with the person you need to set a boundary with, here are 5 things to keep in mind (based on Melissa Urban’s book The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits the Will Set You Free):
1. Believe in the best of the other. Assume that they are not intentionally trying to cause you harm.
2. “Being clear is kind”. I love this quote from Brené Brown. It’s a good reminder that no one is a mind reader so be clear and direct in your communication. No hinting. No passive-aggressive comments. No joking. It will likely feel uncomfortable and that’s okay. Most people will accept the boundary when it is clear.
3. Remember that when someone is over-giving, people will take as much as you are willing to give; it’s just human nature. You must set your own limits.
4. Reflect on what has made it hard to have boundaries. We all have messages from our family of origin (the family we grew up in) and our society that shape us. Did you learn that other people’s needs come before your own? That your worth is based on how productive you are? Is the acceptance and approval of others the measure of your own worth? Naming our own stories and false narratives will help equip us to set the boundaries needed for our own wellness. You are worth protecting!
5. Setting your own boundaries might not be well received. Consider that the person with whom you need to set a boundary may in fact be benefiting from your generous giving. If they get a little cranky, remember that it’s about them and not about you doing something wrong.
Melissa Urban’s new book The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits the Will Set You Free includes scripts to help you have boundary-setting conversations. She uses a green-yellow-red system when drafting what to say so that her messaging is gradual. Most of the time it is important to work toward restoring a relationship rather than cutting it off. Start with a green light conversation that assumes that the boundary violation wasn’t intentional. If the boundary you are setting isn’t respected in the green-level conversation, a firmer yellow-level conversation may be required. Only when boundaries continue to be disrespected is there a need for a red-level conversation. If you are needing further explanation on what might constitute a respectful, boundary-setting conversation, please refer to Melissa’s book or listen to her conversation with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach on the podcast We Can Do Hard Things (#143 How to Set and Hold Boundaries).
Take away: Is there a boundary that you need to establish to protect your mental health? What “green light” conversation do you need to have to establish your boundary? Remember that we are not limitless. Learning to say no can be life-giving.
Click here to view Melissa Urban’s book: The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free: https://www.amazon.ca/Book-Boundaries-Limits-That-Will/dp/0735243212/ref=asc_df_0735243212/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=578815590441&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8764117711083169947&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000856&hvtargid=pla-1708472597487&psc=1
Friday Five is not meant to be a substitute for medical advice and care. If you have mental health symptoms that are interfering with your life and wellness please speak to your family doctor and registered mental health therapist. You are worth taking care of!
